MELROSE PLACE redux

I remember watching "Melrose Place" the first time around. It started off a bit dull, but the characters were likable and I was excited at the prospect of a regular character being an openly gay man, a rarity when the show began in 1992. In time, it actually became a bit more interesting as it turned into more and more of a soap opera. But eventually it wore thin the way soap operas typically do, at least for me. I have a strict rule: If I start to hate all the characters and wish them dead or start shouting at the television "Oh my GOD you are all so fucking RETARDED!!!" I have to quit watching. This happened with "Dawson's Creek." And "Everwood." And "Grey's Anatomy." Essentially this happens with any show that focuses on the love lives of a group of people who will eventually have used up every single combination of romance until you're expecting Sandra Oh & Katherine Heigl or Dawson & Pacey to end up together because they're the only coupling left.

So I hung up the "Melrose Place" habit long before it was peopled by that creepy Dave whatshisname and Alyssa Milano. But I remembered being entertained by crazy Sydney & Michael and when the new series was advertised, I thought... "Oh God, no." I don't know what happened, what made me turn my television on tonight to the CW (that shoulda been a warning sign) to watch the premiere of the new version of "Melrose Place."

But I did. And I'm ever so sorry. A group of beautiful and mostly unsympathetic characters are now living in the building. Sydney is the landlord. At least until the end of the opening scene, when she's floating in the iconic pool, surrounded by blood. Ah, so the first saga of the series is: Who Killed Sydney? Michael Mancini, of the original show also appears, looking not one day older and with a connection to one of the new people. Ashlee Simpson Wentz plays the Courtney Thorne-Smith nice girl part. Adorable Michael Rady of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants plays a cute/dorky film geek whose proposal to his girlfriend of 5 years is interrupted by the discovery of the body. There's also a bitchy bisexual PR chick, a sketchy alcoholic chef. a douchebag... I don't know what, just a douchebag who apparently had a thing with Sydney, and a beautiful med student who ends the first episode by accepting $5,000 for a night of sex with Adam Kaufman, who played Kerr Smith's beautiful boyfriend on "Dawson's Creek" ages ago. By the end of the hour I was so ashamed that I had actually watched this show, and mortified when my flatmate walked in on me. I would have preferred him catching me while watching the Eric Dane sex tape.

I feel dirty and ashamed and I need a Silkwood shower. The only solution was to catch up on a show that isn't on network television, but is actually smarter and more entertaining than anything you're likely to find there, "The Guild." Check out the show at watchtheguild.com and you'll find hilarity and smarts, as written by Felicia Day of Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog fame. The third season has begun and is available to stream on MSNBC's site. Likable characters, people you're rooting for and something you don't have to feel bad about watching. Also in the new season's second episode: Wil Wheaton. In a kilt. Hot! Give it a try. As for Network TV, I'll take "Glee" (which returns on September 9th!) and maybe "Dollhouse" if it remains as good as the second half of it's first season eventually got. But man do I miss "Lost."